New Year. New Post

Gung Hei Fat Choy!

Happy Chinese New Year! It’s the Year of the Ox, a time of hard work and eventual prosperity unless it all falls apart. And I figured that since I didn’t post anything on or even remotely around our new year, I should at least make some sort of statement about new beginnings and such. Being born in the Year of the Fried Pie, I decided to lay some sweet truth on you, my loyal readers.

This will be my “New Year’s Predictions of What Ought To Be” edition.
I’ll start by reminding you that I am a geezer. Have been since age 19. And geezers, as a rule, offer a lot of advice about the way things USED to be, or SHOULD be. So standby for my “projections” for year 4707, the Year of the Ox, in the Chinese calendar:

RAP MUSIC ENDS
After years of assault on our ears, senses and cultural high ground, rap’s popularity expires in early March when collectively the entire continent snaps back into the groove and recognizes all forms of this “musical” abomination for what it is. What it is, exactly, nobody is sure, but an epiphany occurs and everyone just pulls up their pants, puts their hats on straight and changes outta those big, baggy shirts. The world of music will revert to the major food groups once again; Classical, Classic Rock, Old Timey Country, Texas Swing and Big Band. And these only.

TATTOOS ARE OUT OF VOGUE
Believe it or not, the tattoo craze will peak in June, leading to a crash in the strip center storefront rentals. Strangely, this effect will raise property values on these affected commercial real estate holdings. There will be a corresponding rise in tattoo removal technology and practitioners plying their trade in ever-increasing venues and at ever-decreasing costs. Soon there will be gift cards from Walmart for tattoo removal; you’ll be able to procure your cat food, canned tomatoes and diapers, plus while you wait for your oil change, they can remove the picture of the pit bull head with angel wings eating a human skull that’s on your left bicep. This will put 2009 on the map medically, socially and artistically.

CELL PHONES WILL BE TOTALLY OUTLAWED
OK, quit your whining. Sure they bring good news, on occasion. Yes, they keep a certain amount of boredom at bay, but dangit, they are such a distraction, annoyance and a downright hazard that they should be eliminated. Cold turkey. How many times has someone just dropped out of a face-to-face conversation like you were chopped liver when a call comes on their little device? Hmm? Thousands. And the drivers, especially under the age of 25, with one clamped to their ear and their right foot welded to the firewall with the accelerator pedal imprisoned between, blasting along the formerly (relatively) safe thoroughfares. I have been cut off, wedged in, tailgated and otherwise terrorized by these inconsiderate operators trying to multitask. Not to say that this activity is limited entirely to the younger set. Soccer moms abound with the Tahoe and Sequoia death machines. And salesmen checking their contact list from a laptop in the passenger seat have a fairly high occurrence. Ugh.

AL GORE CONCEDES THAT GLOBAL WARMING WAS HIS IDEA OF A BIG JOKE
It just got out of hand. Here’s how it happened; he wrote his book, then he read it, forgot he fabricated the entire theory after dreaming it all up following a particularly spicy pizza, and then he started believing it. So sad. When he gets the hypno-therapy in November to calm his nerves after being forgotten, his repressed memory of the hoax comes to light and he writes a short retraction on a sticky note. He then throws the crumpled note into one of his seven incinerators.

Now, don’t come crying to me if these don’t come true in the coming year. I in no way warranty these predictions as being certain and unavoidable. This is just stuff that really should happen, making the world a better place.

For us geezers.

Happy New Year.