Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Yet ANOTHER Swine Flu Alert, Really.

Yes, you have all no doubt heard about the swine flu and the attending symptoms and panic warnings. The news media is constantly mining the scientific journals and secret medical networks for any other information that will protect the public from this insidious and frightening illness.

The indications are similar to and include the normal flu symptoms of fever, lethargy, lack of appetite, coughing, runny nose, and sore throat, the porcine version may also incorporate nausea, vomiting and diarrhea.

Yuck. You only thought you didn't want this stuff. It gets worse.

Further medical sleuthing by yours truly has unearthed yet other warning signs that the swine flu has been contracted. Some indicators the alert patient may notice are:
• in game situations, hogging the ball increases
• in social situations, hogging attention and even hogging the camera intensifies
• melancholy at the smell of bacon or pork chops cooking
• aching in the ribs when hickory smoke is detected
• Snorting/oinking when coughing/sneezing

Please be aware of these symptoms in addition to the regular discomforts. While serious and certainly nasty, for the most part this illness is not fatal, but I hear that by the middle of the second day, you'll wish it was.

As an added precaution, please gargle after any display of affection from a pig, hog, boar or even javalina. (While the last is not technically a swine, it has a generally malevolent disposition and will likely bite your face off after it pretends to want to give you a nice peck on the cheek. Your nose will likely be running, but not from congestion. More like running for the border after being removed from your face.)

Just be careful out there. I can't afford to lose any more readers.

That is all...stay well.


innominatus said...

• in social situations, hogging attention and even hogging the camera intensifiesSounds like President Obeyme may have been infected! Clinical evidence: prime time TV press conferences on a monthly basis.

And what the bloody heck is a javalina? Is that some kind of joke Texans pull on northerners like me? "Hey, let's go javalina hunting. They're kind of like a snipe. Tasty, too!"

Anonymous said...

BIG TOE said...
I cooked pork chops last night and ate two and found myself hogging the covers in the middle of the night.

aA said...

Innominatus: Javalinas are real; small, very pig-like and evil disposition. I hear you can actually eat them, but I don't think I would. If I were to take a Northerner hunting for javalinas, I'd either make sure he was well-armed and well-trained (if I liked him) or unarmed and smeared with molasses and corn (if I didn't vote for him).

Big Toe, you should stay at home, cover up (with the extra quilt) and stay away from tamales, bbq ribs and hot dogs for at least 2 weeks. The rest of the toes can fend for themselves!

DammitWomann said...

What a crack up! Good one aA. It so tickled me.